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The next month went by quicker than expected as Lupin hurriedly got through his work and sent owls back and forth to Dumbledore. He wasn’t sure if Dumbledore suspected him, or wanted to help him, or was just being a friend. He tossed and turned every night wondering what to tell, and what to keep to himself.
He knew that Sirius Black was an unregistered animagus and had been ever since he’d attended Hogwarts. James and Peter had been too. After they’d found out about Lupin’s illness, they’d studied and learned how to transform too so they could all be together and help him out in those painful days. Of course, they’d had to keep these actions secret from the rest of the school, and especially from Dumbledore.
Lupin experienced a lot of guilt about their illicit adventures, not only for the danger his friends were in, but most especially for the betrayal of Dumbledore’s trust. Who else would’ve let him come to the school for his education when he was a danger to all around him? Who else would’ve helped him to make friends and encouraged him through all the years of study? Who else would’ve helped him get his first job, and now another one?
Even his parents had tried to ignore the fact that they had a son after he was bitten. They certainly hadn’t encouraged him to do anything after that, and aside from locking him away once a month, they didn’t seem to be aware of him at all. He’d once overheard his mother crying that it would’ve been better if the werewolf had killed him, and after that he’d known he was on his own. He suffered his childhood with a quiet dignity determined to simply survive. He wasn’t sure if he would be allowed to go to Hogwarts like his parents had, but he was sure that whatever came along, he would be able to handle it. When his letter came inviting him to Hogwarts, his parents seemed overjoyed, not over the fact that he got in, but because they were rid of him for most of the year. They didn’t have to worry about his abnormality anymore, and could focus on their lives. Which they did right away producing a brother that Lupin had never been allowed to know or touch.
Lupin hadn’t had a role model he trusted until he found Albus Dumbledore. He was his hero in more ways than he could count. Dumbledore had helped him find his self-worth, and see the world’s joys. To think of repaying that with boyish pranks and pastimes always brought a bout of shame to Lupin. His only solace lie in the fact that Dumbledore seemed to be oblivious to the fact that three of his students illegally transformed and the four of them got into all sorts of hijinx during the full moon.
It wasn’t that Lupin didn’t think about these things when he was younger. He had. It was just that James always managed to convince him that it wasn’t as bad as he was making it out to be.
"You’re always looking for the worst case Scenario, Moony" he’d say. "We’re perfectly safe, and you wouldn’t want to deprive us of your company, now would you?"
Then Sirius would chime in with "Old boy wants to carouse about on his own I’d wager. He doesn’t want to share the fun with us!"
And Peter would pipe up with "Perhaps we should leave him to his scratching and biting. They must be important wolfy things, that we wouldn’t understand."
These perfectly planned words, and his friends’ gregarious excitement over their planned adventures, would goad him into relenting every time. In truth, he couldn’t stand the thought of going through his monthly ordeal without the help of his friends. And they did help. When they were with him, his mind seemed to stay more his own, and his viciousness was curbed by the others, so that the memories he retained were not so bad. In a way, they made it as fun as it could ever be.
He wanted, no, needed Dumbledore’s trust, and now more than ever. He was scared of what might happen if Dumbledore did find out how his trust was betrayed, not scared of the man himself, but scared of the same disappointment and closing off of the eyes that shone in his parent’s faces when they looked at him. The same wary mistrust that shone in every eye that ever found out about his disease. The same look of quickly disguised disgust that happened across the features of all the people who discovered he was a werewolf. The rest of the world mattered not if his hero still held him in high regards.
Finally, he was headed to London to catch the Hogwarts Express to the school. He was well aware of the fact that most teachers were at the school earlier than the start of term, but due to his prior obligations, and Dumbledore’s need to explain his condition to the staff and make some arrangements, he would be coming on the school train with the students.
Dumbledore saw this as a chance for some extra security, since the dementors had been hanging around Hogwarts and Diagon Alley to head Black off. It made sense to take extra precautions, and Lupin’s presence on the train would deter any unforeseen action from Black. He hoped. Anyway, he had an advantage most people didn’t. He knew Black’s other form, and he kept his eyes open for either man or dog as he entered King’s Cross station.
He’d had a rough time of it this moon, and his condition was greatly weakened by the worry that constantly gnawed at him. What if Black got Harry? What if Dumbledore discovered it all? Was this all his fault? What should he tell whom? He’d gotten pulled in for questioning during the month, and had to answer questions again and again about Black. He described all their favorite haunts, and where he thought Black might hide. All but one. The Shrieking Shack was where Lupin had stayed when transformed at school. But Lupin told no one about it, because Black wasn’t supposed to know about it.
It doesn’t matter. He assured himself. Black won’t go there. He’s obviously left that part of his life behind a long time ago. He’s into the Dark Arts now. Some innocent schoolboy hide-away isn’t going to occur to him. Besides, there are plenty of dementors around to sense him if he did stay there, and anyway Dumbledore already knows about the Shack. Lupin always felt a bit awkward justifying his lying this way, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to take the rejection from Dumbledore.
He waded through the crowds and nonchalantly slipped through the wall, stepping onto Platform 9 ¾ to a different crowd full of good-byes and hugs and motherly concern dripping about on the heads of the departing children, with the occasional bang and pop as people apparated and disapperated in and out. Glancing fondly at the scarlet engine that dominated the scene, Lupin set about finding a compartment that would be out of the way where he could observe the people and keep his vigilance for Sirius.
He entered the train and stepped up front to see that the engine was secure. Then he stepped to the window and peered out at the figures around him. The people seemed to stream in from King’s Cross, but he saw no sign of anyone who looked like Black. Or Harry for that matter. He supposed that he’d have to wait until the first day of classes to know him for sure, and had just resigned himself to that fact when James stepped onto the platform.
Lupin’s knees felt weak, and he swallowed rapidly holding himself up on the window frame. He realized that he wasn’t breathing and his ears were ringing so loudly that the sounds of the crowd on the platform were drowned out. How could James be here? He rubbed his eyes and kneaded his forehead. His lack of sleep must be catching up to him. This was impossible. Opening his eyes slowly, he scanned the crowd for that mop of untidy black hair he knew so well. There….by that red haired family. They were all hugging the woman he assumed was mother to the bunch. James was standing awkwardly by a bushy haired girl and then they were both kissed by the red haired woman too. It couldn’t be James.
Lupin hurried down the train to get a closer look. He walked all the way to the end compartment and slid his suitcase onto the luggage rack above his head. Then he went to the window and investigated the thinning crowd until he spotted them again. They were crowded close together still saying their good-byes.
A red-headed man he assumed was the woman’s husband came and pulled James aside as the rest boarded the train. They were having some sort of discussion, and James’ posture was a stubborn sort of stance, that was very familiar to Lupin. The train whistled and James turned. His eyes seemed to sparkle as he ran towards the train that had blown it’s whistle again and started to move. Not James….too young, a bit small, and the eyes, …it had to be Harry. The resemblance was remarkable, and Lupin’s knees shook as he made his way to the seat. Now that the train was moving, Black wasn’t a threat anymore. He was exhausted and leaned back immediately intending to get a few hours sleep before he had to start his new position.
He was grateful that he’d first seen Harry privately. He didn’t know what might’ve come blurting out if he’d seen him face to face without knowing…how could anyone prepare for that kind of shock anyway he wondered.
He didn’t have much time to come to terms with things when the compartment door opened and people entered. Lupin still felt weak, and sleep was quickly overcoming him, so he decided to stay in his pretended slumber, and perhaps after a nap, he could become more sociable.
He dimly heard the students discussing his identity, and suppressed a smile at the impertinence a boy showed before he started a discussion with another of his friends. Lupin was hovering on the edge of slumber, when his composure was sorely tested the next minute as he realized it was Harry that was speaking now. And speaking of Sirius Black.
So, he knew. And he didn’t know. But the weeks he’d gone with little to no sleep were too overpowering, and Lupin couldn’t process all the repercussions of this information before he finally blacked out.
He was jolted awake by the train screeching to a stop. It was dark. They couldn’t be at Hogwarts yet since the sounds around him were startled, fearful, and the blackness was complete. Lupin heard someone say that people were coming aboard, and he strained his ears and eyes to try and get his bearings. The children were making entirely too much noise for him to make anything out and when one of them opened the compartment, the confusion that followed deleted any chance of him hearing beyond their carriage. He decided to take charge, and barked out "Quiet."
He rummaged through his robes until he found his wand and lit a small portable fire which he held in his hands. It took a minute for his eyes to get used to the sudden illumination, but he was straining his ears the whole time. When his vision cleared, he got to his feet saying, "Stay where you are."
Before he could reach the compartment door, however, it slid open. A dementor stood there framed in the doorway and eerily lit by the fire he held. Lupin fought off a wave of nausea as the dementor stared around at them all, and he noticed Harry going rigid, and then falling to the floor, twitching slightly. His concern for Harry overcame the visions of carnage, and the full moon that always seemed to accompany his dementor encounters, and he quickly stepped over Harry and said, "None of us is hiding Sirius Black under our cloaks. Go."
The dementor stood its ground and Lupin shot the patronus at it quickly, and when it fled, turned to look at Harry. He was laying on the floor, surrounded by his friends. The sight of their concern for Harry softened Lupin’s heart, and he too peered anxiously down as the boy started to stir. Harry was covered in sweat and looked very pale. Fortunately, Lupin had a big bar of chocolate in his luggage and he turned to retrieve it as the others pulled Harry up and made sure he was all right.
Lupin could imagine what Harry had witnessed under the dementor’s influence, but he hoped he was wrong as he pulled the chocolate out of it’s wrapper. Harry’s talk of screaming seemed to prove that hope false though, and he snapped the chocolate into pieces for the children.
"Here," he said handing Harry the largest chunk. "Eat it. It’ll help."
"What was that thing?" Harry asked him.
"A dementor," said Lupin passing the others pieces of the chocolate as well. "One of the dementors of Azkaban."
The children were staring at him, some still shaky and pale, as he finished doling out the chocolate and put the empty wrapper in his pocket. He was slightly embarrassed and a little concerned about the others on the train. Harry was safe now, and he should go see to them.
"Eat," he repeated. "It’ll help. I need to speak to the driver, excuse me…"
He walked out of the compartment past Harry, and continued down the train looking in each carriage to see that the other students were all right as he passed. Most of the kids were shaky and one or two were pale, but no one else had succumbed to the visions the dementors sometimes caused and so he fairly rapidly reached the engine where the driver assured him they were only ten minutes from Hogwarts and would be arriving there shortly. Then he quickly sent an emergency owl to alert the school about the dementor encounter and Harry’s sensitivity to their illusions. It was senseless to use these creatures to protect the boy when they affected him so strongly.
The dementors had set up safety checkpoints around the castle he assumed. He understood Dumbledore’s consternation about their proximity to the school. There were so many students to look after, and dementors weren’t all that reliable to keep their word, or their distance.
He made his way back to the end compartment and had to smile as he looked around at all the untouched chocolate in the children’s hands.
"I haven’t poisoned that chocolate, you know…" He said to them. To his relief Harry was the first to take a bite, and he went on "We’ll be at Hogwarts in ten minutes." Then he looked closer at Harry’s shaking face. "Are you all right, Harry?"
"Fine," Harry muttered. Lupin caught the embarrassed tone, and decided to let the subject drop. He found he had to consciously keep himself from staring at Harry, and so he peered through the dark windows trying to focus on the reflections rather than stare outright. He looked so like James that Lupin had to catch himself from blurting out things they used to say together on their own Hogwarts Express journeys. They sat in an embarrassed silence and Lupin wondered if Harry did know about him and didn’t want anything to do with him, or if he was just preoccupied by the dementor. Either way, he couldn’t show any more concern or affection than any other Professor would. He rather disconcertedly remembered he hadn’t introduced himself to them earlier. It seemed inappropriate now, and so he remained silent.
The train finally reached Hogsmeade station and the kids all scrambled to disembark. Lupin stood more slowly and pulled his suitcase from the luggage rack as the compartment emptied. He followed the last of the students off the train and planned to find an empty stagecoach to ride in. All these crowds of people he was expected to interact with were grating on him a little, after having gotten used to being on his own.
The coach went quickly down the road and passed two more dementors standing guard at the castle gates. Lupin wondered if Harry was all right having had such a bad encounter already. He was getting off his carriage when he heard a taunting voice talking about dementors.
He turned and asked, "Is there a problem?"
A pale faced boy with white-blond hair was staring insolently back, and finally replied with more than a touch of sarcasm, "Oh, no - er - Professor" before smirking at his friends and entering the castle.
Lupin continued on his way unconcerned. In truth, his mind was on the first good meal he’d have in a while rather than the discipline of the students around him. He left his luggage in the entrance hall and made his way in to Dumbledore.
Dumbledore smiled and shook his hand saying "Remus, how good to see you." Lupin noticed his glance taking in his disheveled appearance and thin figure before he said, "I trust you’re well? How was the train?"
Lupin didn’t miss the double meaning in either question, but merely responded with. "Good, good, everything is as good as it can be under the circumstances. Did you get my owl?"
Dumbledore nodded and led him toward the staff table as the students started crowding in. "I’ve spoken with Severus and he’s agreed to brew you the new medicine we discussed. I’m not worried that anything extraordinary is going to happen this year, but it’s going to be good having you around again."
"It is good to be back in Hogwarts." Lupin said glancing up at the enchanted ceiling of the Great Hall and around at the familiar walls. Lupin had spent extensive time with others under Dumbledore’s tutelage, after finishing school, fighting the dark arts. He felt immediately better being in Dumbledore’s presence and felt he could even face Snape. It was a good thing too, because Snape’s face showed an intensity of loathing that Lupin had forgotten existed. He merely smiled and nodded curtly in Snape’s direction before taking a seat at the table.
The students were mostly seated when Professor Flitwick entered with a three legged stool and the sorting hat. The ones still standing scrambled for a seat as he left and returned leading a long line of first years in.
Lupin smiled idly as the sorting ceremony took place, clapping for each new student and trying to remember names and faces. His own first year came swimming back to him as he watched the terrified first years trying on the hat.
He had been very scared, shy, and not sure at all he belonged. His biggest fear was that the hat would shout out his secret and tell him to leave as he didn’t fit in. The walk to the stool had been one of the longest he’d ever had to take in his life. His knees felt shaky as he turned and he briefly saw all the eyes looking his way before the hat plunked down over his own eyes.
"Hmm," said a voice in his head,"I see you’re a determined young fellow, and very brave as well. There’s a hunger to fit in and a longing to achieve. You would make a very loyal friend, and your mind is pretty quick. Where shall I put you?"
Anywhere,…anywhere… he thought. Please, just give me a chance! He was starting to feel a little panicky he couldn’t hear any noise coming from outside the hat and it seemed to him that he’d been under it for a long time.
"I can see inside, deep inside to hidden talents that lie within you, you know." The hat continued.
Just put me in a house, any house, thought Lupin and be done with it.
"Ah…but any house won’t do. The house you go in will help to shape you, and help you on your journey to adulthood. No, it’s a choice that must be made carefully, not willy nilly." The hat scolded.
All right, Lupin thought I can see the sense there, but really how do I know where I belong? I don’t feel like any of those things you said. I’m not even sure I really belong here. I only came because I’d hoped…..
But suddenly the hat screamed out "Gryffindor!" and the room applauded as Lupin hopped off the stool and headed for the far table.
Lupin didn’t remember ever making a decision, but he was profoundly grateful to the hat for placing him with friends for the first time in his life.
He stirred himself out of his reverie as the sorting ceremony concluded and Professor Flitwick removed the stool and hat from the room. He noticed Harry and Hermione coming in and was pleased to see that Harry looked much better than he had on the train. Quite sturdy on his feet again.
He smiled at Professor McGonagall as she passed, and quickly composed himself as Dumbledore stood to speak. His eyes wandered over his fellow teachers and the student body as Dumbledore was welcoming everyone and giving warning and notice about the dementors.
His stomach gave a small heave when he realized that Dumbledore had just spoken his name. When had he stopped listening? He smiled out at the students as the uneasy and paltry applause echoed lightly in the vast room. Harry was clapping though, and that meant the world to him. He averted his eyes, and quickly hooded his expression. He must learn to radiate a calm to everyone. He’d been wearing his emotions openly for far too long. It was time to return to his training from Dumbledore.
The applause for Hagrid was much more satisfying and Lupin applauded along with everyone else as Hagrid burst into tears at his obvious welcome to the rank of Professor. Idly, Lupin wondered if Hagrid’s classes would be safe for the students, as he happened to know of Hagrid’s fondness for dangerous creatures. He supposed that Dumbledore would’ve approved the creature list though, and Hagrid was adept at handling even his monsters.
The feast began and Lupin’s plate filled with all the delicious food he remembered from Hogwarts. He ate quickly and neatly trying not to be obvious about his raging appetite while carrying on a conversation with his neighbors at the staff table. He remembered some of the teachers from his own Hogwarts days, but some had come on staff after he’d left. Only Snape was among his contemporaries.
He prudently avoided looking Snape’s way and had a rather enjoyable dinner talking to Professor Vector about one of the interesting tablets he’d seen when he traveled to Africa on a job. He was really beginning to feel as though he fit in again when quite suddenly the feast was over.
Harry, Hermione and Ron came running down to congratulate Hagrid, who promptly broke down again, and Professor McGonagall shooed them away to their common room.
Lupin got up and started to his own room adjoining his office, wanting to unpack and settle once more into the safe walls of Hogwarts. It felt good. Almost like it had before, and there was something inside that healed the moment he acknowledged this.
The other teachers weren’t quite that willing to let him slink off unnoticed however, and he found a waiting crowd full of welcomes and how are you’s with plenty of hands to shake on his way.
"It really is good to have you on." Squeaked tiny Professor Flitwick, standing on his chair to reach across the table.
"Yes, I must say that you’re a relief after our last Defense Against the Dark Arts appointment." Professor Sinistra confided to him in a conspiratorial whisper as she wrung his hand.
Professor McGonagall stood towards the back of the crowd with a stern look. She was exactly as Lupin remembered her from his own school days, and for a minute he thought he was in for a scolding and a detention. But then she smiled and her eyes became rather soft as she shook his hand and said, "Well, it’s about time we saw you again, Mr. Lupin. I always thought you might return here."
Lupin knew that she was aware of his condition having been the head of his house when he attended, so he tried to keep the surprise from his face as he replied cordially "I am glad to see you as well, Professor, though I can’t say that I ever shared that vision for my employment before."
A disapproving sniff from the corner revealed Snape’s presence and he stalked out just before Lupin reached him with his hand stretched out for a truce.
Lupin excused himself from his cheerful and mostly satisfying welcome from his co-workers and went to find his quarters for the year.
When he’d turned the corner Snape met him and hissed "I wouldn’t be too comfortable here if I were you, Lupin. I’ve had a talk with the headmaster about you. Any funny business, and you’ll be out on your ear!"
Lupin regarded him coolly and said "I wouldn’t worry yourself so much Professor. I’m sure there are plenty of students around that need your supervision more than I."
"Don’t think you can fool me with your calm demeanor! I am not one to fall for your tricks." Snape snarled. He was looking rather pale and his black eyes were glittering ominously. "You should have killed yourself when you were young, Lupin, and saved the world from your savage influence. But, I assure you, given the opportunity this year, I will not hesitate to help the world out."
Lupin stood for a moment observing the hatred this man harbored for him, then raised his chin, and continued down the hall.
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