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Visions of Life

by Innermurk

Chapter 6

October was a busy month for Lupin. He had to stiffen up his lecturing schedule for all his classes, and really start preparing his fifth and seventh year students for their exams. Their lax in learning last year had really put them farther behind than he would’ve liked to see. He had to stick to his strengths however, and most of the other stuff was taught through essays and book work which he found tedious and boring to grade.

The weather outside started turning cold, and wet, and his forays into the forest were abandoned. It wasn’t as much fun to rummage around the muddy almost liquid grounds, pricking his hands and face on the bare branches and thorns of the plants that grew there. Consequently he found himself spending more and more time in his office. Sometimes Professor McGonagall would stop by and chat for a bit, though their conversations were never half as fun as the first one had been. However, he always enjoyed her company, so he started leaving his office door open when he was there so she could pop in whenever she happened by.

When the first Hogsmeade visit came near, he thought briefly about going, to help chaperone, but decided against it, as it fell very close to the full moon. The castle would be practically empty, and he could enjoy an afternoon relaxing in the quietude, before he had to start grading his current essays.

He sighed in happy anticipation of the holiday, and decided to go down to see Professor Snape about making this month’s potion.

He found him in the staffroom, and as Professor Flitwick was there as well as Professor Vector, he couldn’t raise much of a fuss when Lupin cryptically inquired as to whether he’d started or not.

"Come down to my office tomorrow, Lupin, and I’ll try to help you out." He sneered back before diving into his reading once again. Flitwick and Vector continued their amicable conversation, and Lupin left feeling the best he ever had after talking with Snape.

++++++++++

Halloween morning dawned bright and chilly. Lupin was to take his first dose of Wolfsbane for this month and the cheerfulness he’d felt the previous day had carried over. Snape had managed to get all the nausea inducing ingredients tamed, but the taste was still disgusting. Small price to pay though, thought Lupin to keep my sanity during that time.

The previous month had gone very well, and the strict precautions had proved unnecessary as Lupin had merely lay curled up on the bed during the hours the moon was up. He wasn’t able to keep the pain and the wish to run free away, but he was able to lay mild and docile without the urges to rip and tear filling his brain. From time to time, he’d trembled, more out of anxiety than cold, or strain. If only James and Sirius could be here now!

He’d quickly retracted the thought to James and Peter, but the damage was done. He’d felt like howling for the rest of the time, but curbed the noise before it reached his lips. He got tired of glimpsing Madam Pomfrey’s anxious face peering in at him through the small window on the door, so he resolutely turned his back and faced the corner.

When the moon finally set, he felt the familiar pain and overwhelming exhaustion overtake him and slipped under the blankets to sleep. Madam Pomfrey had awoken him the next morning with a large and nutritious breakfast and a cheerful smile.

"Well, it looks as though you’ll be fine to stay wherever you like in the castle, Lupin. Though you’ll always have a bed here, if you wish."

She’d looked so earnestly hopeful and friendly that Lupin had a hard time saying no, but he firmly believed that his office would give him more privacy, and less anguish in yearning for days gone by.

Knowing that the potion worked, and he’d be able to stay in his office was one of the things that cheered Lupin so much this month. Another was that he’d managed to work alongside Professor Snape with no harsh words or feelings for about two weeks now. He was proud of his progress, but tried to keep upping the stakes to keep himself humble.

After breakfast, he was sitting at his desk thinking vaguely about wandering down to the dungeons to see if Snape had the potion ready or not, when a small shape drifted aimlessly past his door.

"Harry?" He inquired, for that was who he thought he’d seen. He leaned back and looked around his office door to see if he’d been correct and found himself facing a very mopey looking boy.

"What are you doing?" He asked gently. "Where are Ron and Hermione?"

"Hogsmeade." Harry said in an offhand tone, though his eyes betrayed his disappointment at being stuck in the confines of Hogwarts castle.

"Ah," Lupin replied. He understood perfectly about the unfairness of the situation. He studied Harry’s face for a moment wondering which direction to take with him. Then he finally said, "Why don’t you come in? I’ve just taken delivery of a grindylow for our next lesson." Perhaps just getting his mind off it would be the best tactic.

"A what?" Harry asked as he stepped inside, the door swinging closed behind him.

"Water demon." Lupin answered as Harry surveyed the little creature in the tank making grotesque faces at them through the glass. "We shouldn’t have much difficulty with him, not after the kappas. The trick is to break his grip. You notice the abnormally long fingers? Strong, but very brittle."

The grindylow really started giving them a show then, making faces, and baring it’s teeth, and finally burying itself in the weeds.

"Cup of tea?" Lupin inquired. He glanced around the room to find his kettle and added, "I was just thinking of making one."

"All right." Harry answered a little uneasily.

Lupin prepared the kettle with his wand and gestured Harry into a seat. "Sit down," he said as he continued to prepare their drinks "I’ve only got teabags I’m afraid - but I daresay you’ve had enough of tea leaves?"

He looked at Harry smiling and waited to see his reaction to this joke.

"How did you know about that?" Harry asked.

"Professor McGonagall told me," Lupin answered passing Harry a cup. "You’re not worried are you?" He would’ve been surprised if Harry had been, but he simply answered no and Lupin prepared his own cup. Harry seemed to be going through some sort of internal battle that showed itself briefly in his eyes as he watched Lupin’s actions. Harry wasn’t much of a conversationalist, Lupin thought, and decided to draw it out of him if he could.

"Anything worrying you, Harry?" he asked. It couldn’t be those tea leaves, really now could it?

"No," Harry said immediately. He took a sip from his cup and turned towards the tank in the corner where the grindylow had been brave enough to come back out and shake it’s fist at them. Ah, Harry, always the brave one. What was that McGonagall said? Never shows what’s inside.

All of a sudden Harry burst out "Yes," setting his cup down, and startling Lupin out of his reverie. "You know that day we fought the boggart?"

"Yes," Lupin answered slowly. The fact that he stopped him from fighting it couldn’t still be bothering him could it? He’d just assumed that the missed visit to Hogsmeade had been uppermost in his mind today.

"Why didn’t you let me fight it?" Harry asked abruptly.

Lupin felt his eyebrows shoot up once again. "I would have thought that was obvious, Harry." He said. Surely Harry knew what a vision of Voldemort would do to the class.

"Why?" Harry asked again.

Maybe I’m wrong here. Assuming too much thought Lupin. "Well," he said aloud frowning at himself as he admitted his mistake to Harry "I assumed that if the boggart faced you, it would assume the shape of Lord Voldemort." Harry looked surprised. "Clearly I was wrong," Lupin continued What did Harry shudder at then? What would be more frightening to this child than Lord Voldemort? "But I didn’t think it a good idea for Lord Voldemort to materialize in the staffroom. I imagined that people would panic."

"I didn’t think of Voldemort." Harry retorted earnestly. "I – I remembered those dementors."

Dementors? "I see." Lupin said "Well, well….I’m impressed." Harry looked surprised and Lupin smiled brightly. "That suggests that what you fear most of all is - fear. Very wise, Harry." Was anyone so brave as this child? Harry said nothing, but continued to drink his tea, a worried sort of frown on his forehead.

There was more he needed. "So you’ve been thinking that I didn’t believe you capable of fighting the boggart?" Lupin asked guessing the reason.

"Well,…yeah." Harry replied a smile starting to blossom on his lips and behind his eyes. "Professor Lupin, you know the dementors -"

A knock on the door silenced Harry’s question, and Lupin called "Come in." wondering who it could be.

Professor Snape entered with a goblet that was smoking slightly. Ah yes, I forgot to go down this morning. Lupin remembered. Snape had stopped and narrowed his eyes a bit. Lupin wondered whether this was for his benefit, or Harry’s, and decided it didn’t matter.

"Ah, Severus," Lupin said pasting a smile on. "Thanks very much. Could you leave it here on the desk for me?"

Snape obliged, setting the goblet down his eyes wandering between the two of them, suspicion growing slowly behind them. Lupin decided to put his mind at ease and informed him, "I was just showing Harry my grindylow."

"Fascinating." Snape retorted not bothering to look in the direction Lupin was pointing. "You should drink that directly, Lupin."

Lupin felt a stab of impatience and replied, "Yes, yes, I will."

"I made an entire cauldronful," Snape continued unnecessarily "If you need more."

As they had successfully determined that three or so doses had been sufficient last month, there was hardly a need for an entire cauldronful to be made again, but Lupin decided to play along and said "I should probably take some again tomorrow. Thanks very much, Severus."

"Not at all." Snape replied, looking as though he’d like very much to hit Lupin, or drown him in the cauldron. But he backed out of the room, and left.

Harry was looking intently at the goblet, the light of curiosity shining in his eye. Lupin smiled. "Professor Snape has very kindly concocted a potion for me. I have never been much of a potion-brewer and this one is particularly complex." No sense in putting off the unpleasant. And Snape was right, the stuff needed to be taken directly. He picked up the glass and sniffed it. Precaution was still prudent. "Pity sugar makes it useless." He mused aloud. The potion smelled no worse than before, so he took a sip. He couldn’t stop the shudder that racked his body at the taste, but his vision remained clear, and his stomach strong.

"Why -?" Harry started.

I can’t go down this path! Lupin thought, so he cut him off with a hurried explanation. "I’ve been feeling a bit off-color. This potion is the only thing that helps. I am very lucky to be working alongside Professor Snape; there aren’t many wizards who are up to making it." Snape is trying to help. Snape is trying to help. Lupin found that if he ran a montage of positive things through his head, it helped his attitude towards his abrasive co-worker.

He took another sip, and Harry burst out with "Professor Snape’s very interested in the Dark Arts."

You aren’t just kidding there. He thought. But aloud he simply said, "Really?" Preoccupied with the potion, and it’s taste, the word came out disinterested. He gulped down another swallow. It’s better that way. I can’t exactly sit here and discuss all Severus’ bad points with a student.

"Some people reckon -" Harry hesitated here, and then blundered on "some people reckon he’d do anything to get the Defense Against the Dark Arts job."

Lupin didn’t trust himself to answer Harry, so he poured the rest of the potion in his mouth and set the goblet down. He couldn’t help the face he made as he commented "Disgusting." Harry was still sitting expectantly, and Lupin found he’d run out of safe conversational topics, so flight was the next best thing. He said, "Well, Harry, I’d better get back to work. I’ll see you at the feast later."

"Right." Harry said setting down his empty cup and standing up. Was that a bit of disappointment? No, just a trick of the light. With one last apprehensive look at the goblet, Harry left.

Lupin had felt a bit of pride at the way Harry had seemed to care about him. But he couldn’t allow himself to slip back to negative thoughts on Snape. Things were working out as they were, and Snape and he were getting along better than they ever had. Things had fallen into a comfortable pattern that was nevertheless delicately balanced.

Lupin felt the happiness inside of him swelling. He couldn’t remember ever feeling this satisfied in years. He had good food, good friends, and a warm and pleasant place to live and work. His disease was being curbed, and he was trusted. Trust. Such an important and integral part of life.

+++++++++++

The Halloween feast was as spectacular as any that Lupin could remember from his own Hogwarts days. Decorations galore, food aplenty, and good company made the night one of the most fun he’d had in a long time. Professor Flitwick and he got into quite a lively and friendly discussion on Muggle superstitions and the history of the different charms most used on Halloween night, that soon everyone at their end of the table was joining in. The conversation had an air of fun to it that just invited laughter. The Hogwarts Ghosts provided a splendid end to the festivities with their display of talent.

All in all it had to be one of the best days of Lupin’s life. He left the Great Hall in high spirits, and still conversing with Professor Sinistra about the movement of the planets and Muggles’ erroneous beliefs on them.

He was wholly unprepared for the events that followed.

One minute he had been speaking cheerfully to his colleague, surrounded by the tired and cheerful noise of the students heading for their common rooms. The next minute murmurs of discord started lightly sounding through the conversations around them, and silence fell. Unease seemed to crackle in the air, and people were milling confused and frightened not seeming to know where to go. He heard in the distance someone asking for Dumbledore.

Just as he turned, Dumbledore himself swept past, and the students made way to let him through. Professor McGonagall started to follow beckoning Lupin to come as well, closely flanked by Snape. He felt an unpleasant jolt in his stomach region and quickly caught up to the crowd outside Gryffindor Tower.

Dumbledore sent McGonagall to find Filch and start searching the castle for the Fat Lady who had fled her demolished picture. Then Peeves, always delighted to find the scene of trouble, and stir up more chaos made his presence known. He related his tale to Dumbledore in a scarcely hidden tone of delight.

The Fat Lady had been assaulted and had run to hide, ashamed of her appearance. It seemed she had refused passage to someone because they hadn’t known the password. Then Peeves dropped his bombshell. "Nasty temper he’s got, that Sirius Black."

Lupin felt Snape’s eyes boring into the back of his head, and Dumbledore’s eyes flicked over to meet his as well. He couldn’t tell what expression lie in them. Then Dumbledore ordered all students back to the Great Hall and the teachers began their search of the castle. After a cursory sweep of the hallway, Lupin headed directly for the doors. If Black was on the grounds, he’d be able to spot him.

Lupin’s insides twisted as he ran, wondering whether or not to tell everyone to look for a big black dog as well as a disheveled man. But no, he told himself. Black couldn’t have been a dog, or else Peeves wouldn’t have known it was him. Besides, no dog could do that kind of damage to the portrait. He’s a dark wizard now. Stop thinking of childish tricks, and start thinking of where he would go!

Lupin searched the grounds, along with Hagrid, right up to the edge of the dark forest. Then he snuck away from Hagrid’s sight, and found a stick to prod the knot on the Whomping Willow, and entered the secret tunnel at a run. He met no one. The dirt padded his footsteps, and it was a silent but rapid trip through the twisting roots, and underground passages. Finally he reached the Shrieking Shack.

From the looks of it, no one had come here for a very long time. Dust covered everything, and Lupin shuddered seeing the broken remains of furniture that he’d destroyed in his previous rages. He reluctantly stepped through the doorway, and had a quick look around. It was obvious that no one had entered, so he decided to go back, and help search the castle. He started back down the tunnel at a dead run, feeling the past haunting him from behind.

++++++++++

Dumbledore called off the search around three a.m. when they had covered all the territory around, and Black remained unfound. Lupin was very tired, and grateful to be able to go up and lie down. If this had just happened at a different time. The full moon was next week, and his strength was going down. His efforts to keep a reign on his temper always fatigued him.

Several staff members were quietly conversing in a corridor and asked Lupin about his search as he was passing. Everyone was buzzing excitedly, anxiously yes, but with an air of importance as well. Lupin felt outcast from it all. His connection with the situation ran emotionally deeper than anyone’s, and even though he’d resigned his thinking to the facts that Black was now his enemy, he still couldn’t shake the feeling deep inside that he was betraying a friend.

Dumbledore came to his room early that morning to discuss things with him. They talked about Black’s latest behavior, and what it meant. Lupin was apprehensive about some accusation or another flying from Dumbledore’s lips, but on the contrary, he treated Lupin as a close friend and ally.

"Perhaps the fact that the Potter’s made Black Harry’s Godfather has something to do with his obsession." Lupin suggested during their talk. "He broke out of prison, but he can’t have joined with Voldemort again. Not if he’s hanging around Britain trying to get his hands on Harry. So, this desire to get Harry has to be Black’s and not Voldemort’s."

Dumbledore waited quietly while Lupin tried to finish this line of thinking. "It’s strange that he would come into the castle at all. Do you think he realized it was Halloween and everyone would be away? Perhaps he was going to lie in wait, a trap of sorts, in the Gryffindor Common Room? But to trap himself like that at the top of the school. That’s not something that seems very smart, and Black isn’t stupid." Lupin had been about to add that there were no secret passages out of the school in that hallway, but bit back the comment just in time.

The four friends had discovered all the secret passages and made a magical map of the school in their youth. Lupin knew that Filch had confiscated that map long ago, and supposed it had been lost or destroyed by this time. It would have been a great help to them now.

Dumbledore offered no help, nor criticism of his ramblings, but sat patiently waiting and listening. Lupin went over and over in his mind what Black could’ve been thinking coming into a place where he had little to no hope to escape. "It all comes back to the same thing." He finally stated emphatically. "What does he want with Harry?"

Dumbledore sighed and said, "As to that, your guess is as good, or perhaps better than mine." He patted Lupin on the shoulder, stood and said, "We’d better let it rest. Perhaps a good hour or two of sleep will clear our minds. In any case, the school needs running, and you’ll have classes to teach." He squeezed Lupin’s shoulder, his eyes tired, and troubled. "Get some rest." He said as he left the room.

Lupin meant to take this advice, but lay awake in the darkness, unable to relax enough to drift off. His mind kept whirling with unanswered questions that played like a loop through his head. What did Black want with Harry? What possible use could the boy be to this twisted criminal? There’s no way he could hope to return his Master to power. Dumbledore said Voldemort was in Albania. Granted that Black had escaped a while ago, but not long enough for a trip to Albania and back. And how was Black getting around without being noticed? He wasn’t using his animagi form, tonight’s escapade proved that. So what dark source was he using? And the question that wouldn’t ever let itself be forgotten. Why? What possible reason had Black had to betray them all?

He tossed, and turned, and tried to answer some of the questions, but to no avail. Finally he put his face into his pillow and screamed. "Stop! Stop thinking! There’s nothing you can do anyway! Aaaargh!" This relieved a little of the tension he felt, but did nothing to stop the questions.

When he could stand it no more, he got up and started next week’s lesson plans. Might as well do something useful. He thought. Maybe it’ll get my mind off it. But it didn’t. It turned out to be a very long day.


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